I don’t know where I should be putting this, but Tumblr seems apt enough. I have this load of Game of Thrones watching, non A Song of Ice and Fire reading friends who are absolutely horrid in their need for me to spoil things for them. After hearing the announcement that series three will end around The Red Wedding I’ve been barraged with questions which I have slight amounts of trouble answering. I wrote this for non-readers but readers seemed to get a bigger kick out of it. I present: My take on GRRM’s Red Wedding.
Ok. So Robb has gone and got married to this chick Jeyne Westerling (That’s Talisa in the show). And there are like, so many advantages to marrying a Westerling. Like she’s really hot. And they have like FIVE men. And she’s hot. I mean, the Freys have that river crossing thing and an army… but then you also get an army full of Freys so… you know… priorities.
Anyway, Lord Walder Frey is super pissed off because he has too many daughters and he was totally going to pawn one off on the sucker king, but then Robb went and married Talisyne, so I guess he’s not really that much of a sucker after all. Suck it Walder.
Walder isn’t really a ‘suck it’ kinda guy though. He’s more of an ‘I’m an angry old man.’ Kinda guy, so he writes Robb and ANGRY NOTE. What a badass. He also sends along a son or something – I can’t keep track of which Freys are whose – who is like, SUPER FRIENDLY. Which is probably why he’s an ambassador.
So Robb’s like ‘Yeah, sorry for breaking my vow. I was just… you know, really lonely and shit. Also look how hot my wife is.’
And Frey#451 is like ‘Yeah, sweet. No problem, bro.’
And Robb’s like ‘Really?’
And Frey#451 is like ‘Yup.’
And then Frey#451 is like ‘Oh wait, no. You totally have to apologise to my dad (Or grandpa or uncle… who knows?). Also he REALLY wanted to get rid of another daughter, which is kinda ironic because he keeps having kids… and I’m like “Hello! Dad! You’re part of the problem atm!” Anyway, can you like, make one of your dudes marry my sister (or some undisclosed female family member, I guess)?’
Oh! And Catelyn’s totally there too by the way, and she’s like ‘Omg! Guys! Totes have a brother. He has erectile dysfunction and isn’t very good with a bow but he’s TOTALLY worthy of a Frey chick!’
And Catelyn’s brother, Edmure is also there! And he’s like ‘FUCK YOU, CATELYN!”
(See, it turns out no one wants to marry a Frey. Like if they still had Jaime Lannister locked up they could give him to Lord Walder’s daughters and the dude would scream to be executed.)
Anyway, Robb is like ‘Sweet. Better you than me.’
And Edmure is like ‘FUCK YOU, ROBB! Gods! My family sucks!’
So they set off on an adventure to Frey land and they bring all their friends with them. Like the Mormonts. Who are all GIRLS! Because the guys got kicked out of Westeros for some reason.
And when they get to Frey Land they meet up with even MORE friends! Like Roose Bolton! And they’re like ‘Omg, Roose! Haven’t seen you since I sent you to that worthless, cursed castle that one time. Did you meet anyone cool there?’
And Roose is like ‘Yeah. This one little girl, but you don’t care.’
And they’re like ‘Nope.’
So then Walder Frey comes out and is like ‘Dude, what the hell?’
And Robb’s like ‘Soz.’
And Walder’s like ‘Kay.’
And Edmure is like ‘Ok, let’s go now.’
And Walder is like ‘Oh right! Nearly forgot about the Wedding!’
And Edmure is like ‘FUCK!’
So Walder brings out his eligible bachelorettes. And they’re all super gross. Like boiled and shit. And fat. And all look really socially inept too, so like Edmure is going to get NOTHING from this marriage. And Robb’s snickering under his breath like ‘Totally dodged that bullet.’
But then, out of the sea of horrible frankenbrides steps this SUPER HOT CHICK. Totally hotter than Jeylisa. We’re talking about supermodel hot. Like the nominees for Miss Westeros would consist of this Frey and maybe Lady Melisandre. And possibly Cersei, but she probably wouldn’t have made it past the interview round… moral alignment and all can make or break those judges. Oh, and Melisandre is from Asshai so she wouldn’t even be eligible for Miss Westeros. So yeah. The nominees for Miss Westeros would consist solely of this one Frey chick.
And Robb’s like ‘Well, Edmure’s obviously not going to get that one.’
And Walder is like ‘You can have that one.’
And Edmure is like ‘Score!’
And Robb is like ‘FUCK YOU EDMURE! If I’d known there was a chick amongst the Freys like THAT, I would have kept my dick under control!’
And Edmure is like ‘Well… sucks to be you, Robb. But do you know who it doesn’t suck to be? ME!’
So then Roose is like ‘Awesome, Edmure. Tell you what. Since we are such stand up guys, Walder and I already PLANNED YOUR WEDDING! We can totally have it tonight!’
And Edmure is like ‘Wow Roose, you really are a great pal!’
And Robb goes and sulks about getting the short straw.
And then there’s this MASSIVE PARTY that spans TWO WHOLE CASTLES. And EVERYONE turns up. I mean you have all of Robb’s dudes and the Freys and the Boltons and those Mormont chicks. And then Arya turns up! And the Hound is there too. It’s such a good party. Even Jaime Lannister sends his regards.
Oh, and Edmure gets laid.
And that’s the Red Wedding.